After several seasons of flirting with doom at the foot of the Premier League, Fulham finally slipped through the floorboards following defeat at Stoke last time out.
What, we wonder, could’ve been the cause of their demise?
Was it the three managerial appointments they made this season? Or perhaps a lack of investment in their ageing squad is to blame? Comic defending? Toothless attack? Uncreative midfield?
Nope, all incorrect, but stop banging your loaf against that wall, former Cottagers owner Mohammed Al-Fayed has the answer and he didn’t even need to don his deerstalker to uncover it.
It’s so simple – do you remember that inexplicable Michael Jackson statue he had built outside the ground that Shahid Khan promptly had removed upon taking the reigns at the start of the season? Well, says Al Fayed, getting rid of that cost them their Premier League status.
In what is potentially the most obscure, outlandish and downright bizarre football interviews of all time, he stated:
“When the new owner decided to move it I said ‘Fine, it is a lucky thing, you will regret it later’,”
“Now the new owner will regret it because I warned him. I said ‘You will pay with blood for that’ because it was something loved by people.
“It was a big mistake but he paid for it now. He’s been relegated and if he wakes up he’ll ask for Michael Jackson again and I’ll say ‘No way’.”
Mr Khan may have had to stifle his grin when Al Fayed imparted this wisdom as he handed over the keys to the Cottage, but the look in his forlorn-filled eyes that stare back at him from the reflection in the bathroom mirror say: ‘Why didn’t you listen, you fool?’
Yep, that seemingly shrewd investment the Jacksonville Jaguars owner made back in July has been condemned to rack and ruin in the Championship.
Perhaps if he’d bought a few players of his predecessor’s calibre then maybe they wouldn’t have found themselves in such a mess.
“I am a great football player,” said Al-Fayed, when giving us the 411 on why he bought beleaguered Fulham back in 1997.
For all great players aspire to be great chairmen.
The final number in our Al-Fayed’s Greatest Hits compilation concerns that statue Mr Khan is presently pleading to have reinstalled outside Craven Cottage.
Upon it’s erection and understandable supporter befuddlement, Al Fayed was cooler than Fonzie in the deep freeze when he addressed their abundance of concerns:
“If some stupid fans don’t understand and appreciate such a gift this guy gave to the world they can go to hell,” he raged.
“I don’t want them to be fans.”
Upon the conclusion of said sentence, he swiftly scooped up his ball, did more kick ups than any of us mere mortals can count and returned home for a sulk in his London mansion, bought by the same folks he no longer wanted to be fans of his football club, coincidentally.
His old club are 8/5 to beat Crystal Palace in their final top-flight appearance until 2015/16 at least.