According to a raft of media outlets, led in by Sky Sports, Paris Saint Germain striker Edinson Cavani has instructed his new agent to ‘investigate’ a move to the Premier League, with Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester United all rumoured to be in for the £55m Uruguayan.
Of course, no paper states exactly which of the top flight’s 20 clubs Cavani’s representative will be ‘investigating’, so we’ve had a think about what he might come across at a few lesser lights…
The north east
To be fair, Cavani wouldn’t be the first South American to rock up just below the border.
Faustino Asprilla, Julio Arca, Alfonso Alves and Juninho are just a few of the sometime superstars to have graced England’s top right-hand teams.
The latter of that quartet made it back to Middlesbrough twice after finishing his initial stint, while former Barcelona and Spain wizard Gaizka Mendieta stayed on Teesside after retirement, but we can’t really see Cavani being tempted by the dubious delights of ‘The Empire’, nor Southfield Road’s many ‘attractions’.
The east end
West Ham have a fine recent reputation of housing striking South American talent, with Argentine Mauro Zarate following Carlos Tevez and Wellington Paulista into the Boleyn Ground books.
Of course, Cavani’s agent could head a couple of miles north to Leyton Orient’s Matchroom Stadium while he’s in the area.
The League One O’s are not blessed with any of the PSG man’s continental companions, but Frenchmen Romain Vincelot and Mathieu Baudry should have enough chat to keep him company.
If the 27-year-old’s representative subsequently bolts up the M1 to cock a snook at Britain’s second city during his ‘investigation’, he’ll surely have the driver turn back to London when it comes into view, unless he really, really likes concrete.
Christian Benteke famously mistook Aston Villa for a London club before his 2012 summer move from Genk. Cavani won’t.
No investigation into England’s top flight would be complete without a visit to the land of St David, which has returned to single-club Premier League status since Cardiff’s demotion last term.
Cavani would be a better replacement for likely departee Wilfried Bony than Swansea fans could ever imagine, so don’t imagine it, Swansea fans.