Oh Luis Suarez. What are we going to do with you? And what’s the use in banning a player who refuses to mend his wicked ways?
In the words of one Guy Fawkes, desperate diseases require desperate remedies, and we’ve come up with a few that could serve to scatter the demons Suarez clearly can’t shake, or make them even more virulent.
Partner him in punditry with Phil Neville
The BBC’s genius idea to hire the younger Neville brother as an analyst/commentator, seemingly based on brother Gary’s Sky Sports supremacy, has not gone according to plan.
Suarez should have his diary cleared for the summer by FIFA over the next few days, and he’d certainly liven up exchanges between Neville and overly-chuffed Beeb presenter Dan Walker, if he can refrain from tucking into them.
Put him in charge of Liverpool County Council
This might not actually be the best environment for Suarez to flourish in, considering the history of battles between governments and Labour splinter-group Militant on Merseyside.
However, should famous 80s mullet-sporter and Trotskyite Derek Hatton happen to drop by his old stomping ground, at least Suarez could claim to be only the second least-likeable person in the room.
Compel him to stay at Anfield
Millions worldwide consider pulling on a Reds jersey and running out on the hallowed turf as the pinnacle of life achievement.
After agitating for a move to Real Madrid last summer, Suarez clearly feels differently, so keeping him electronically tagged within the boundaries of Merseyside ought to show him.
Or…sell him to Spurs
‘It hurts when you’re always doing your best for your club and then you hear that you might be going to Tottenham…’
Thus spoke Real Madrid’s Angel di Maria a few days after his man-of-the-match performance in Los Blancos’ Champions League final win over Atletico Madrid. There is surely no worse fate than a stint at ‘The Newcastle of the South’.
Send him on holiday with Jonathan Pearce
Few players are having worse World Cups than the former Robot Wars commentator, who – try as he might – can’t quite get to grips with FIFA’s ‘fiendishly difficult’ goalline technology.
Pearce’s pithy, piercing perspectives on why their Torremolinos barkeep will never make it as a mixologist at the top level could prove the perfect punishment for Suarez, who would be begging for a reunion with squeaky Stevie Gerrard afterwards.
Make him watch Mrs Brown’s Boys D’Movie
On second thoughts, Suarez hasn’t actually killed anybody (yet), so making him sit through 96 minutes of Brendan O’Carroll in drag is maybe a step too far.