It’s been a rough night for Agent Costa, the Brazilian one-man sleeper-cell tasked with wrecking Spain’s World Cup defence to aid the country of his birth’s attempted trophy-coup on home soil.
The sleuthy Sergipe native hypnotised La Seleccion coach Vicente del Bosque into recklessly abandoning the template that saw Spain win three international tournaments in a row, resulting in their exit from the World Cup after six short days.
After a tough week of sabotage, followed by lengthy negotiations at MI6 in London – which ended with him ‘signing’ for nearby Chelsea – the pug-faced patriot ambled into his underground lair to watch Brazil’s semi-final against Germany with fair expectations that all the risk-taking would pay off.
However, Canarinho head of covert operations, ‘Big Phil’ Scolari, made a series of strategic blunders during the battle of Belo Horizonte – aided by field operatives Fernandinho, Luiz and Marcelo – causing the hosts’ 7-1 destruction at the hands of Germany mastermind Jogi ‘You’ve Got The’ Low.
The game could be up for Scolari at Selecao HQ, but Agent Costa’s cause carries through to Russia 2018 and the new Blue’s Brazil work has already been cut out for him at Stamford Bridge.
Canarinho midfield recruits Oscar, Ramires and Willian – each of whom are likely to retain their international statuses – have been in situ at Chelsea for some time, awaiting this very moment.
All three must learn how to make the most of limited, immobile frontmen, who never seem to play well but clearly have goals in their feet, if Brazil are to compete at the next World Cup with their pathetically-poor pool of centre-forwards.
You see, Agent Costa isn’t actually any better than Fred, Jo or Hulk; why else would the Selecao high-ups sacrifice one of their own to eliminate a single opponent?
The dark secret behind the 25-year-old’s shock 2013/14 La Liga campaign, during which he scored 27 goals in 35 appearances, lies with black-clad genius Diego ‘Cholo’ Simeone, who deployed crack assist-making midfielders Koke and Gabi to launch striker-seeking missiles onto our hero’s feet.
Of course, some quarters have suggested that the Argentina centurion has performed an elaborate double-bluff in order to destabilise Brazil, La Albiceleste’s close neighbours and bitter rivals, as well as Spain, where Simeone boldly hides in plain sight. Put it past him we would not.
Don’t worry, this post is highly unlikely to self-destruct in ten seconds.